Doom Mask
by PickleInACup
Summary: Not a Phantom of the OperaIZ crossover. Dib finds a mask that can turn flesh to steel and steel to flesh. Will it help him defeat Zim or backfire?
1. Chapter 1

Doom Mask

Chapter 1: Artificer

Disclaimer: Insert "I do not own the cartoon Invader Zim created by my hero Jhonen Vasquez" in place of X where X is the number of chapters in this fic. I write all my disclaimers Magic the Gathering style to avoid writing them every chapter like I used to.

Description: I've never written a Zim fic before that I didn't quit on after two chapters, but I'm going to make a serious attempt at writing a halfway decent one. Which means, no fan characters besides a nameless cashier or a random student at skool, no Dib/ Zim romances, no Gaz/ Zim romances, no Gir/ Tallest romances or whatever and absolutely** no** Greenday concerts or any of that other bullshit that's been raping the good name of Invader Zim since the beginning of Zim fanfiction! I will do my best to keep everyone in character and to keep this story interesting. Sorry for ranting. Please continue.

It was late Sunday night. The Membrane house was still aside from the bathroom where Gaz washed for bed. After rinsing her mouth and putting her toothbrush away, she snatched her Gameslave 2 for a little before bed relaxation. On the way to her room, she noticed Dib lying on his bed out of the corner of her eye. Normally, she wouldn't have given him a second glance, but this time Dib was fooling around on his laptop NOT babbling about aliens.

Curiosity got the better of her. She turned around and entered Dib's room. "Looking up new online games?" She asked in a slightly hopeful tone.

Dib jumped, startled (even in pink and black piggy pajamas, she manages to look creepy). "Uh- no" He answered after a brief pause to calm himself. "Dad left his credit cards on the table this morning, so I'm browsing through some neat stuff on eBay."

Gaz raised a suspicious brow at him. "What kind of stuff?"

"Anything that might help me put a stop to Zim's evil." Dib answered without missing a beat.

Annoyed, Gaz smacked the back of his head.

"Ow! What?"

"You fucking nerd! If you're going to waste your pathetic life on chasing after aliens, could you at least do it constructively?"

Dib glared at her. "Hey, I've found a lot of useful things so far. Check this out! Some guy called dookieartificer6169 put this up for auction. Only a hundred bucks and no bids-" Dib turned his laptop so Gaz could see the screen. "The Mask of Haulgehn-Gylth" He quoted. "An ancient and powerful artifact whose dark magical properties can turn flesh to steel and steel to flesh. Its origin is unknown; wrapped in mystery for thousands of years. Warning: The Mask of Haulgehn-Gylth is cursed. Do not stare directly at it or suffer in limbo under its spell. My apologies, but a photo cannot be shown for your own safety-"

"But it's assured to fit the face of a full-grown man." Gaz snickered, barely cracking a grin. "It might be too small for you, Dib."

"Dammit, my head's not big!" He snapped out of sheer reflex. "Oh come on, Gaz, that mask is amazing! I'm going to buy it now."

"Oh yeah, like that thing really works." She sneered before he could click on his purchase. "And even if it did, how would you use it against Zim?"

"Everything he owns is made of metal!" He sneered. "Gee, Gaz, for someone who calls me stupid all the time, you really know how to overlook obvious possibilities."

Gaz's fist tightened at her side. "I call you _crazy_ all the time. I only call you stupid sometimes."

"Oh yeah... Well, either way, I'm buying it!" With look of glee on his face, Dib placed his order. "Okay...in two to six weeks I should have my secret weapon!"

Gaz shook her head as she walked towards the door. "You're a loser."

"You won't be saying that after I eradicate the Irken scourge and ensure the freedom of the Earth!"

Gaz slammed his door shut, causing ten or so charts and posters to fall to the floor. "Bitch!" He hissed under his breath. Dib scowled at the door for a moment, but his usual state of apathy returned and he continued to search online. After a few more minutes, his eyes grew tired and he found himself unable to focus. With a yawn and a stretch, Dib turned off his laptop and rolled over.

He grinned, pleased with the scheme brewing in his head. "Zim's in for a nasty surprise...in two to six weeks...crap..."

a/n: Yay, it only took me a half hour to pull this chapter out of my ass and I don't have to be at work until three. So how did I do? I know, terribly XD! But, I promise, things will get better later on. Please review. Praise and flames welcomed.

PS: Just in case anyone was wondering, Dib, Gaz and the rest of the characters are the same age as they are on the show and they look the same. I didn't want the dialog to throw anybody. I can't help but make characters curse. It's just natural for me. Thanks for reading, guys, rock on.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: Sign Here

Six to Eight weeks later...

That Monday morning, Dib and Gaz sat at their kitchen table, barely touching their breakfast. Though dressed and cleaned for skool, their expressions remained drowsy and unfocused.

"Gaz, do you feel like walking or taking the bus?" Dib asked, rubbing his eye.

She responded with an indifferent grunt.

Too groggy to insist on a real answer, Dib dismissed his sister and took a sip of orange juice. Suddenly the doorbell rang. Startled, Dib choked on his juice, dribbling on the table and his shirt.

Gaz looked towards the living room. "Who the Hell could that be?"

"It's here!" Dib cried ecstatically, still choking a bit. "HolyshitIcan'tbelieveitit'sHERE!" He jumped out his chair and raced towards the door.

Gaz shook her head. "Moron..."

Dib ripped the front door open. He wore a huge smile as he searched the step for his package. Instead, he noticed a pair of feet. He looked up to find a thin, corpse-like delivery boy with both eyes gouged out of his head, standing before him, holding a package with shaky hands. "Special delivery for Dib" He parroted, looking outward.

Dib froze. He caught himself staring at the dried blood coated around the man's empty eye sockets. He shook himself out of his trance and replied. "Uh- uh, right here."

The delivery boy kept looking outward, his expression dazed. "Sign here, please." He requested, handing Dib a clipboard.

Hesitantly, he scribbled his name down. "I never had to sign anything all the other times I ordered from-"

"Don't asked questions!" The man snapped, snatching the board from Dib's hands. "Here" He whispered, gently handing Dib the package. "Good luck."

Dib took a good look at the plain brown box. "Thank-" When he looked up, the delivery boy had disappeared. "You... Cool!"

He ran inside and began to rip the package open. The brown wrapping, discarded tape, and packing peanuts flew everywhere. "Wait!" Dib stopped himself just before uncovering the mask. "I have to be careful not to look at it."

He clenched his eyes shut and began to feel around for the mask. It was big and made from smooth, cold steel. "It must be ancient..." Dib stated as his fingertips graced the edges. The edges were angular and it bent slightly in the middle to form around the face. The top and bottom sides curved inward which left a gap for the mouth and added a decorative appeal to the brow. "Hu, that's odd..." He said aloud as he felt the face. "No eye holes. How am I supposed to see out of it?" He felt a bump on the mask. It was a big, elliptical gem buffed and polished to create a glassy surface.

"Oh man, this is cool!" Dib repeated as he lifted the mask out of the box (eyes still shut, of course. "I gotta try it out, but on what?"

"What are you doing?" Gaz sneered from the kitchen doorway.

Dib held the mask against his chest. "Don't look! The mask might hurt you!"

Gaz pinched the bridge of her nose in frustration. "Oh yeah, the mask of Haunten-Geth or whatever. I forgot all about that stupid thing."

"It's Haulgehn-Gylth" Dib corrected her. "And it's super powerful! I'm going to enjoy melting Zim to a puddle after I turn him into a bronze statue." He added with a mischievous grin as he slowly placed the mask over his face.

Gaz scowled. "Dib, if your paranormal crap makes me late for skool _again_, I'm going to make you suffer!"

"But this could mean the difference between saving Earth or winding up enslaved by the Irken Empire!"

That was not the response she was looking for. "Time to suffer!" Gaz pounced on Dib's back and attempted to pull the mask off.

Dib struggled to jerk free as she pulled his hair and wedged her feet and knees into his sides. "Ow! Ow! OWWW! Quit it! Get off!"

"Stop screwing around!" She hissed, scratching his scalp and ears mercilessly. "I'm warning you... take...IT...**OFF**!"

"NO!" Dib reached over his head and snatched a tuft of her hair. He bent forward, pulling with all his might. He managed to yank her off, tossing her against the couch.

Gaz landed on the floor with a _**thud**_. Slowly, she pulled herself up using the edge of the coffee table. "I'm going to FUCKING kill you, Dib!" She shouted, kicking over the table.

Dib yelped before making a run towards the stairs. Gaz chased after him. Dib didn't even make it halfway up the steps before Gaz grabbed his leg and dragged him back down. "Wait!" Dib begged, kicking and clawing for the railing. "At least let me take the-"

Too late. Gaz forced Dib on his back. She raised her fist, ready to pound his face in, but just before her knuckles collided with his nose, a beam of blue light radiated from the gem on the mask. It consumed her, devouring her skin and hair.

Dib backed away in horror. Though the gem, Dib could see Gaz transform. She doubled over on the floor, screaming and groaning in agony. He reached out to her, but she squirmed away, slamming against the walls and furniture.

Within minutes, Gaz's human body disappeared. Her face became plated with shiny purple metal. Three thick silver wires sprouted from her back and connected to her forehead, replacing her hair. Her torso was made of three segments: a skull shaped breastplate, a flexible, black waist joint, and a simple black pelvis with circular purple hip joints. Her limbs resembled that of Tak's SIIR unit; however, her left hand became a small teleprompter with a screen the size of a Gameslave 2.

Dib's eyes widened as he heard gears and circuits churning inside of her. After a visible surge of electricity sparked through Gaz, her robot self dropped to the floor. Cautiously, Dib nudged her side with his foot. "Gaz...? Pssst! Gaz...?"

No response.

"Oh no...Oh God no! Dad is going to kill me!" Dib frantically paced in circles, muttering "Oh fuck! Oh, shit! This isn't good! Oh Fuck!" He stopped. "Maybe I can reverse the spell. That's it! I'll just reverse it, no big deal." He chuckled nervously as he propped Gaz against the wall.

"Jeez, RoboGaz is heavy..." He sighed heavily, catching his breath. "Okay, what to do? I could try contacting dookieartificer6169 again and ask him for help. Or maybe there's instructions in the-" Dib trailed off. The sound of low, electric humming startled him.

He turned his head slowly; afraid to see what was happening. RoboGaz had activated. The two black slits of glass that were once her eyes darted around the room. They zoomed in on Dib and began to glow red. She stepped forward, retracting her razorblade fingertips.

Dib backed away, holding his hands up so to appear nonthreatening. "Gaz...? It's me, remember? Your big brother?"

Another bolt of electricity surged through RoboGaz. Every part of her body twitched as if going haywire. After making a loud buzzing noise, she froze. Words formed on her teleprompter. They read 'Primary function: '**Fucking Kill Dib!**' in flashing purple letters.

"Oh come on...!" Dib griped. "I didn't mean to-"

"_Target in range_" RoboGaz declared with a metallic twang in her voice.

Screaming, Dib ran. Gaz fired a laser with her eyes. Dib ducked, sacrificing the couch for his life. RoboGaz stomped towards him. He jumped to his feet and ran out the door.

RoboGaz shot down the door, two passing cars, a telephone pole, and sprinkler system in ten seconds flat. Dib just barely managed to keep his head before taking refuge in the shrubbery across the street. He removed the mask and covered its face with his jacket. Then he poked his head out to check his yard. RoboGaz was scanning the area for his bio-signature. "She must have x-ray vision of some sort." He thought, not daring to speak in case she had extrasensory hearing. "Better make a run for skool before she picks up my trail."

Dib tiptoed out of the bushes and into an alleyway. Once he felt the coast was clear, he quickened his pace to a run. He prayed RoboGaz wouldn't destroy too much stuff before he could find a way to reverse the mask's spell or at least contact his dad and explain what happened. Until then he would take his chances in the safety of the skool.

A/n: Somewhat better at least? Hope so. I'm really stoked about this fic. I already have so many screwed up ideas, I can't wait to type them all up. Unfortunately, I'm very busy and I already have another fic I'm trying to finish, so I probably won't update more than once every two weeks or so. God, I hate me and my sudden wave of brain diarrhea. This shouldn't be that long of a story though.

PS: Just to forewarn everyone, I'm big into songfics and I will write songs into chapters and make band references frequently. Most of them will probably go unnoticed, but I don't care. Metal marches through my veins. Thanks for reviewing, guys. Live fast, rock hard.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3: Look Away

Dib made it to the skool grounds. He leaned against a stop sign, panting heavily. A few kids sneered at him- their usual greeting. The rest ignored him completely. Dib searched through the crowd for any sign of Zim. He spotted the green menace by the steps, yelling something at his robot, inadequately disguised as a small dog.

"Go home Gir!" He heard Zim shout. How could ever miss it? Zim's voice carries for miles. "A **good** earth dog monster doesn't follow his master to skool!" He mimicked a human pet owner to the best of his abilities.

Gir cocked his head and bleated like a sheep. Then he ran off towards the neighboring yard, doing cartwheels along the way. Zim stiffened when he noticed the entire schoolyard of children were staring at him. "Uh...good trick hu? Looks like all our training is paying off."

Satisfied, the children shrugged and continued with whatever they were doing a second ago. Dib slapped his head in frustration. "How does he...? Never mind."

The bell rang, officially beginning skool. The children, although unenthusiastic about starting class, shoved their way through the door, just for the sake of being difficult. Dib clung to the mask tightly, mumbling to himself as he darted through the halls. "Okay, I have to find a way to get Zim to look directly at the mask _without_ cursing anyone else." He spoke aloud to himself. "Easy enough. Once I turn him to steel, I'll dismantle him before any destruction mode is triggered. Then I'll find a way to return Gaz to normal and destroy this thing!"

Dib's outburst interrupted Zita, Jessica (the blond in the blue skirt) and Peeyoopi's (the chick with green lips and green buns in her hair) before class gossiping session. They glared at him as he struggled to open his locker. "Uh, could you tone your craziness down, Dib? We're talking here." Jessica sneered.

"Fine, whatever." Dib replied absently.

The girls twitched with annoyance. Nobody was allowed to dismiss them, especially not a friendless freak like Dib. "Whose bright idea was it to put your locker next to ours?" Zita griped.

"Another loser like Dib." Peeyoopi answered. The girls shared an obnoxious laugh.

Dib scowled into his locker. He intended to store the mask inside for safekeeping until recess, but the girl's had given him a better idea. "Hey" He called to them. "Check this out!"

He ripped away his jacket, and turned his head away before revealing the face of the mask. The girls stared at it, spooked for just a moment. Finally, Jessica broke the silence. "Eewe! That is the _ugliest_ thing I've ever seen!"

"Halloween isn't for another eleven months, stupid!" Zita added. The girls shared another hardy laugh at his expense before walking off to class.

"Hu...Why didn't the curse affect them?" Dib asked, puzzled while rewrapping the mask and throwing it in his locker. "They must already be cold steel on the inside."

The two and a half hours before recess passed excruciatingly slow, more so than usual. Dib stared across the classroom, watching his alien enemy's every move. Finally, the recess bell rang; cutting Ms. Bitters's cynical rambling short.

The students raced outside, laughing blissfully. The truly desperate for freedom leapt out of the windows, landing directly in the playground. Dib was the last to step outside. Once he snuck past the tetherball court, he jumped behind the brick enclosure and hid in the bushes. He set the mask on the ground before poking his head out of the withered skool shrubbery. He placed a pair of high-tech binoculars over his eyes to get a better view of Zim. "Come on, you little green bastard..." He whispered anxiously as Zim clawed his way to the very top of the jungle gym (throwing several smaller, weaker kids to the concrete below).

Zim had developed a love for 'conquering the steel tower' over the past couple of recesses. Once he scaled the twisting, contorted mess of a jungle gym, he stayed there for the remainder of recess. From above Zim observed the human stink children and their recreational activities, partially with his eyes and partially with his Pak. Every five minutes or so, a flash of red light would shine through the outline of the oval pink platelets. Dib suspected the flash was some kind of camera or tracking device. The flash was so subtle and quick, only someone who watched Zim constantly would ever notice it.

Dib slowly reached for the mask. "Just three more minutes and I'll- Wait, no! If I shine the mask at the pak while it's scanning, then the pak might become another Zim! But if it does, then the pak would detach itself from Zim and kill him, which would be good! But...then I would still have the other Zim to deal with. So what if I only faced the mask towards the jungle gym? Yeah! Then it would turn into snakes or something and constrict Zim long enough for me to show him the mask...But then the snakes might ensnare me or the other kids and cause a huge commotion. Shit! This is going to be harder than I thought..." Dib struggled to think as his window of opportunity closed rapidly.

He ducked behind the enclosure before Zim's pak scanned his whereabouts. "Now!" He whispered to himself as he stealthily dropped to the ground and crept towards the jungle gym. He had to act fast before Zim could catch onto his scheme.

Zim kicked his feet merrily, as he sneered at the inferior humans below him. "Just look at these earth creatures..." He chuckled. "Pitiful! Every one of them!" He cackled manically until an overwhelming feeling of suspicion cut him short. "Speaking of pitiful earth creatures...Where is the Dib...?"

He turned around to search the perimeter. "I know you're out there Dib!" He shouted. "Don't think you can sneak past the ever watchful eye of ZIM!"

No reply.

Zim growled under his breath. "Show yourself you wretched earth monkey!"

"MONKIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESS!"

Zim screamed, startled as Gir rocketed towards him from out of nowhere. The little robot clung to his head, giggling insanely.

"GIR! Get off my head!" Zim ordered as he pulled Gir loose. "ARE YOU INSANE? WHERE IS YOUR DISGUISE- I mean, eh, when did you shave your fur off? You're not scheduled for the groomer's until tomorrow!"

Gir smiled. "I found a opossum baby!" The robot announced.

Zim grimaced at the rabid rat-like thing clinging to his back. "Quit fooling around, Gir! I'm trying to locate Dib."

"Right here Zim!" Dib announced, leaping out of the bushes. "Today is the day I stop you once and for all!"

Zim laughed. "I've heard that one before. It's FUTILE to try and stop ZIM!"

"Oh yeah? EVEYONE LOOK AWAY!" He ordered his fellow students (although he didn't bother to check if they listened). "Behold, Zim! The Mask of Haulgehn-Gylth!" In a flash, Dib uncovered the artifact.

"Eh?" Zim asked, cocking his head at Dib.

"A frisbee!" Gir cried as he latched onto Zim's face, blocking the alien's sight completely. "Gimme the frisbee!"

"GIR! Get-"

Before Zim could finish cursing Gir out, the robot dived at Dib, reaching out for the mask.

"NOOO!" Dib tried to pull away, but it was too late. Gir looked directly at the mask and became engulfed in the accursed blue light.

The transformation took ten seconds at the most, but to Dib and Zim it seemed to take place in slow-motion. Gir's metallic casing turned to bright green skin and his face took on a Zim-like shape (but rounder and child-like). His single antenna separated into two separate black insect antennas. His robotic eyes remained big, round and teal, but took on a soft dewy texture and a bright Irken glow. He grew teeth and a red segmented tongue. The opossum clinging to his back morphed into a sliver tear shaped Pak.

Zim and Dib stared in wide-eyed horror as the former robot laid face down on the pavement. Zim covered his eyes as Gir stood, revealing his new naked smeet body. Gir giggled. His voice no longer had a metallic twang. "That hurt!" He declared joyously before scampering off, screaming with glee.

Zim hopped off the jungle gym and throttled Dib with all his might. "WHAT DID YOU DO, DIB? WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY MINION?"

"Not...laughing...now...are you, space boy?"

Zim clenched his throat tighter, but was forced to release Dib after noticing Gir was running straight into traffic. Zim fled the playground to save him.

Dib took a deep breath before chasing after him (sure, he was skipping skool, but at this point, he was already in too much trouble to care). "GET BACK HERE, ZIM! YOU'RE NEXT!"

The other students stared as Zim, Dib, and whatever the little green thing was scattered. "Man..." Brian sighed as he kicked a soccer ball to Letter M. "Those weird-os are taking that stupid sci-fi RPG way too seriously..."

"Mm hmmm." The other players agreed in unison.

A/n: Chaos? YES! And more to come. I know the idea of Zim actually saving anyone on purpose sounds a little out of character, but I think he might have some emotional connection to Gir. Thanks for the reviews.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4: Divert or be Doomed

Zim dived into the oncoming traffic, pulling Gir away just in time before a huge SUV made road kill out of him. "Hi master!" Gir squeaked as Zim placed him on the sidewalk.

Zim's chest heaved as he panted heavily. "Don't EVER do that again, Gir!"

"But doggies is _supposed_ to chase cars! Watch-"

"NO!" Zim snatched Gir back onto the sidewalk. He forced the smeet to stand still and look into his eyes. "Listen to me! We must get you back to the base right now before someone sees you, is that understood?"

Gir smiled. "Not really." He giggled innocently.

Zim sighed. "Great Conquest of Shat! Why is this happening to ZIIIM?"

Oblivious to the situation, Gir dropped to the ground and began to dig a hole on someone's lawn. Zim covered his eyes after realizing for a second time Gir was naked. He reached into a garbage can and pulled out a discarded Crazy Taco bag. Then he pulled a roll of black electrical tape from his pak, pinned Gir to the ground and slipped the bag over his body.

Gir giggled insanely as Zim fashioned arm and leg holes and pulled his limbs through the bag. Once Zim felt he had wrapped enough tape around Gir's torso to hold the bag in place, he released the smeet.

Gir gasped with excitement. "Master, I'm a taco! I've realized my DREAM! YAAAAY!"

"That will do until I can get him home." Zim thought aloud. He looked towards the streets and spotted Dib running towards him.

"Oh NO!" Zim snatched Gir by the arm. "Come on! We need to go home!"

"But I'm fighting crime!" Gir protested. "Crime against tacos!"

"I'm serious, Gir! MOVE!"

"Hold it, Zim!" Dib ordered. He came to a stop once there was less of a block between him and Zim. "I'm not through with you." He warned the alien, pointing. "After all the trouble this fucking mask has caused me, I **will** use it to defeat you!"

He held the mask up at eye level. Its glistening metal and sparkling blue gem caught Zim's eye and he found himself unable to look away. He would have surely been turned to steel had Gir not burst out into traffic just as a cattle truck came speeding up the road.

The driver spotted a big green ant thing and slammed on his breaks. The truck skid off the road and tipped onto its side, letting loose a stampede of cattle. Zim jumped out of the way, allowing the cows to charge at Dib. The human ran for his life, accidentally flashing the mask at the cows. The curse took a hold of them and the cows suddenly became rocket-powered cyborges with laser cannon horns.

Zim laughed as his mortal enemy fled, screaming in terror, from the firing robot cattle. Gir joined him by his side and started to laugh too, but only for the sake of laughing. Zim cut himself short. "That's enough, Gir. We have to retreat."

Gir cocked his head. His master always grimaced when he used the 'R' word. "Coming!"

Dib somehow lost the rampaging robot cows and made it back to skool with only twelve or so burn marks and his hair partly singed. He collapsed on the steps, panting heavily. The bell rang, officially ending skool. The others students raced outside, trampling Dib and anything else that stood in their path to freedom.

All but one student allowed Dib to lie on the concrete, a battered, bruised pulp- Keef. "Hey, Dib...Whatcha doin' on the ground?"

Dib sat up, shaking his head. "Oh..." He groaned. "Man, this mask is the biggest waste of a hundred bucks I've ever spent!"

"What mask?"

"I have to reverse the spell. But how am I supposed to get to the box or my computer when Gaz is guarding the house?"

Keef smiled. "Oh, you and your sister always bicker."

"She'll laser my sorry ass if..." Dib finally looked up at Keef and was struck with a brilliant idea. "Hey, Keef, do you think you could do me a big favor?"

Keef pulled him to his feet. "Sure. What's the favor?"

"Well..." Dib picked up the mask and made sure its face was well covered. This is going to sound weird, but..."

Dib and Keef (now wearing black trenchcoat and his hair in a similar, scythe-like fashion to Dib's), leaned against a neighboring house to the Membrane home. Dib peeked around the corner. Gaz paced around the lawn, scanning for any trace of him.

"Okay, when I say 'GO', run across the street where Gaz can see you. When she starts chasing you, run and for the love of all that's paranormal, **don't stop**!"

Keef scratched his head, getting cheep black dye all over his fingers. "I don't know, Dib. What if-"

Before Keef could finish his statement, Dib shoved him out in the open. Keef froze as RoboGaz looked directly at him. Her eyes glowed red and her teleprompter hand flashed 'DIB IS IN SIGHT! KILL! KILL! KILL!'

She fired at him, missing by less than an inch. Keef ran away, screaming bloody murder. RoboGaz chased after him, launching every destruction mechanism she concealed at him. Dib remained hidden until she and Keef were out of sight. Then he entered his demolished house and began to search for the box. He found it under some debris. Taped to the bottom of the box were instructions and the warranty, all written in a dead language.

Dib folded the instructions and slipped them in his jacket pocket. Next, he grabbed his laptop from off his bed and slipped out the back door. "Made it!" Dib sighed with relief as he leaned against his house. "Now to find a safe place to sit and decode this stuff..."

He took off across the street, looking back once to make sure RoboGaz had not spotted him.

In Zim's lab, deep below the earth, Zim waited impatiently beneath a round, washing and drying machine suspended above the floor by a thick silver cable. He watched as Gir climbed over his equipment, spilling a bag of Irken candies everywhere. "Computer, scan Gir." He instructed. "Analyze his present physical state and verify the cause of his transformation."

"_Cause of transformation cannot be traced_." The computer replied.

"What?" Zim shouted. "He didn't magically become a smeet! Scan him again! Keep scanning until you find the cause and a way to reverse it!"

The computer sighed. "_Okay..."_

A loud _**beep**_ echoed off the walls. The cable lowered just enough for Zim to reach inside and pull out a shrunken Irken soldier uniform. "Put these on, Gir." Zim ordered. "_Behind_ the door." He added.

Gir jumped in front of him and took the clothes from his hands. "No more taco boy?" He whimpered.

"No more taco boy."

"Aw...Okay!" Gir hid inside a one of the elevators. Ten seconds later, he returned, fully clothed and wearing a smile.

Zim nodded in approval. "Very good. Go back upstairs, Gir. Go watch TV or something."

"Okie Dokie!" Gir saluted him then disappeared inside the elevator.

Zim held his aching head. "This is just _perfect_! Gir was a walking disaster before! Who knows what acts of sabotage he's capable of now!"

He paced in circles, grumbling under his breath as he struggled to think. "That **miserable, stinking **_**DIB**_!" He hissed. "Where did he obtain such advanced technology?" Zim looked to the ceiling. "Computer, send monitors up the house. Watch Gir's every move. Oh, and open a communication line to prisoner 753 on planet Vort."

The computer complied. An image appeared on the giant screen of a blue female Vortian in a standard green prisoner uniform. She looked to Zim and sighed. "Hello, Zim. Are you going to help me escape this time or-"

"I'm looking for a weapon." Zim interrupted her.

The blinding light of her cell made the Vortian squint her beady red eyes. "Okay...You'll have to more specific."

"Do you have access to a device that directly turns robots into living beings?"

Prisoner 753 scratched behind her tiny white horns. "Define _living_."

"You know, **living**! Skin, blood, organs, stimuli, bodily functions- _**living**_!"

"There is no Vortian device that exist with those capabilities. A heap of metal and circuits simply can't be converted into organic tissue."

Zim's expression hardened. "That's impossible! I saw the mask! It changed Gir right before my superior eyes! Somewhere, somehow it is being mass-produced! How do I get my hands on one? Don't lie to me, you filthy sow!"

"I'm sorry, Zim. I've never heard of a mask like that. My cellmates have smuggled so many other weapons to you. Why not use that stuff?"

Zim growled under his breath as he slammed his fist against the consol, disconnecting the communication line. The screen went black. Zim walked away, scowling. "My connections have failed me." He stated bitterly. "Fine! An elite Irken soldier like myself doesn't need _Vortian_ help. I'll decipher the secrets of your mask, _Dib_." Zim laughed evilly. "I'll pry it from your cold, grubby dead hands if I have to!"

An alarm went off. A smaller screen hovered in front of Zim. "_Organism, Gir, is engaging in hazardous activity inside the base._" The computer announced before playing some footage of Gir chasing a butterfly in the kitchen. The little smeet laughed with glee as he swung a net over his head, leaping from the fridge onto the oven.

"AHH!" Zim gasped, pointed at the happy little butterfly. "I **knew** they couldn't be trusted!" He raced down the hallway to the nearest elevator.

a/n: I hunger for more reviews! Thanks to those who have bothered to read and review. You will receive immortality for making me happy...Okay, maybe just a noogie. Either way, your comments are appreciated. I promise, more chaos ahead. Rock on, guys.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5: Close Call

a/n: I couldn't believe the number of reviews I received after posting chapter four. I'm swelling up with so much joy my skull necklace (yes, I wear it twenty-four seven) is cutting off the circulation to my head blacks out. Wakes up ten hours later Hu? Where was I? Oh yes, joy. Thanks so much for reading. You rule!

Dib sat on the top level of the public library's fire escape, frantically typing away on his laptop. He would have gone inside the library to research the secrets of the mask, but he was banned from ever entering the building after the tragic soul-eating sewer gargoyle incident (he was dragged off by the cops before he could find any concrete proof). His face contorted with a combination of anxiety and disappointment. He couldn't find anything on the mask of Haulgehn-Gylth. Dookieartificer6169 had dropped off the face of eBay and the face of the internet entirely.

"If I could just stay in my room long enough decode the instructions I could reverse the effects of the curse!" Dib frowned, frustrated. "But I'll never make it past Gaz. There has to be another computer with the right software to..." Dib trailed off. Something USEFUL finally popped up on the screen.

His skimmed through the text with wide, unblinking eyes. "Holy shit...NO WAY! I've gotta save this!" He cried, pounding his finger against the keyboard.

"EEEEEK!" A deafening shriek rang in Dib's ears.

He looked up to find the librarian scowling down at him from through an open window just overhead. A sinking feeling grew in Dib's stomach as the librarian hyperventilated.

"Not _you_ again! You're not supposed to be within a hundred yards of here!" She shouted, holding up a copy of a restraining order to Dib's face.

"But ma'am, I have to-"

"Shoo! Shoo!" The librarian shouted, tossing Poop and Wagnalls encyclopedias at Dib's head.

"Ow! Hey! QUIT IT! **OW**!"

She bombarded Dib with hardback books until he toppled off the side of the fire escape. He plummeted towards the sidewalk below, screaming. Luckily, he caught a rung to the ladder at the very last second. He sighed with relief after looking up to find the librarian had returned inside and left the mask and his laptop in tact. However he nearly pissed his pants when he looked down.

Keef came running up the street, crying in terror, with his hair and jacket in flames. He passed Dib, too scared to notice Dib hanging above him by a thread. Not two seconds later, RoboGaz jumped into the alleyway. She scanned the area and immediately picked up Dib's bio signature.

"_Target found. Defenses zero..._" Her teleprompter flashed. "_Disintegrate!_"

She put her blaster on the highest setting and fired at him. He decided a fall from that height would be less deadly, so he let go of the ladder, allowing the fire escape to take the damage.

The entire thing fell to pieces. Dib landed face first with a _**thud**_. Groaning, he rolled over on his back to witness a mangled mess of iron scraps hurdling towards him. He clenched his eyes shut, unwilling to face his crushing demise. There was a loud crash. Dib thought he was dead for sure. However, the fire escape landed just right, burying Dib in steel, but not crushing him.

He opened his eyes. Aside from a few scratches and bruises, he felt perfectly fine. He wanted to laugh in triumph, but he knew better than to celebrate just yet. RoboGaz looked over the crash site. She must have been convinced that Dib's chances of survival were nonexistent because she left, not bothering to dig through the mess and check.

Dib waited until he was certain the cost was clear before digging his way to the surface. He let out a nervous chuckle as he brushed his hair and clothes clean. "I made it...I'm alive!" His triumphant grin faded. "Oh crap, the mask!"

He started to search through the crash site, throwing scraps of steel over his shoulder carelessly. At the bottom of the wreck, the mask sat without a scratch, still completely wrapped in Dib's jacket. His laptop, however, was smashed in a million pieces.

"FUCK!" Dib spat, throwing what remained of his laptop against the side of the library. "I still don't know how to stop the curse! I need to find a new computer, one with a vast amount of memory and advanced capabilities like mine. But the only two computers around here _that_ high-tech are dad's and...Oh God dammit..."

"STOP!" Zim ordered, leaping out of the kitchen toilet.

Just before Gir finally caught the butterfly in his net, Zim tackled him onto the table. He struggled to keep Gir pinned and he pried the net from his tiny smeet fingers.

"Gir, what's wrong with you?" Zim shouted as he stood, waving the net in the air like a lunatic. "You know better than to fraternize with deadly earth insects! Now, help me swat this thing before it completely destroys the-"

The butterfly gently landed on Zim's eye. The bigger Irken rolled fell off the table and rolled around on the floor, screaming "MY EYE! MY EYE! MY SUPERIOR EYE!"

Gir smiled, oblivious to Zim's 'pain'. He climbed onto the stove, jumped up, and caught the butterfly in the cups of his hands. He opened the window just wide enough to let the butterfly float out, unharmed. "All gone!" He announced, smiling.

Zim finally stopped screaming. He pulled himself to his feet, rubbing his eye. "Good work, Gir..." He said weakly. "Now, what have I told you about colorful winged earth bugs?" He hissed irritably.

"I don't remember." Gir sat on the edge of the stove, kicking his feet.

His cute, playfulness did not faze Zim. "Think, Gir! I'm not going to keep repeating myself-" Zim stopped after realizing Gir had placed his hand on the eye of the stove.

The eye glowed bright red. Even Gir's smile faded after his antennas caught of whiff of melting leather and burning flesh. He looked down. After finally realizing the stove was burning him, he began to cry in agony.

"GIR!" Zim gasped. He quickly ripped the little smeet off the stove and turned it off.

"Don't panic!" Zim begged, nervously pacing in circles himself.

Tears rolled down Gir's cheeks. "It burns! IT BUUURNS!" He sobbed.

Zim breathed out incoherent gasp of alarm. "The medical bay!" Zim shouted. "Hold on, Gir!"

With the little smeet in his arms, he hopped into the fridge. There a tiny elevator transported him to a small wing of the lab. The walls were made of oblong slabs of purple steel held together with giant screws. Cabinets with red glass doors protruded from the walls. Zim placed the insanely whaling smeet on a plane rectangular table in the middle of the room.

He frantically searched through the cabinets until he found what looked like a tube of toothpaste labeled with the invader symbol. "Got it!" Zim announced triumphantly holding the ointment over his head.

"Hold still!" He ordered as he slowly peeled Gir's damaged glove off and applied the ointment to the burn.

Gir quit sobbing once he felt a nice cooling sensation overpower the burning agony. Still teary eyed, but calm, Gir looked at his hand. His palm looked black and shriveled. "I got an owie, master." He whimpered.

Zim sighed. "You have to be careful from now on. An injured smeet is much harder to repair than a busted robot."

Gir's antennas drooped. "What you mean?"

Zim applied a fresh coat before wrapping Gir's hand in a bandage. He didn't answer Gir's question. Why waste the breath trying to explain a situation like this to him? "There..." He said after fully wrapping the wound. "Run along, but STAY in my sight. You should be completely healed in an hour or so."

Gir smiled as if nothing had ever happened. "Okay!" He hopped to the floor and scurried off.

Zim sighed wearily as he leaned against the stretcher. "This is not good." He said aloud, shaking his head. "I better call the tallest. They'll know what to do..."

a/n: Gasp! Suspense! Not really...I think everyone knows where I'm going with this. Or do you? O.o... Anyways, thanks again for reviewing. Rock on, guys.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6: Temporary Truce

"Incoming transmission from planet Earth, my tallest." A burgundy-eyed pilot announced.

Tallest Red sighed. "Let's see what Zim wants this time." He replied with a mouth full of Irken brand cheese puffs.

Zim and the background of his base appeared on the Massive's main screen. His expression lacked its usual confidence. "Greetings my tallest." He said, saluting. "I'm glad I reached you. You see- AHHH!"

Zim ran off screen where giggling, squeaking and laser firing noises could be heard. Moments later he returned onscreen with his uniform singed and a deflated bear toy in his hand. "My apologies, sirs" He said, tossing the bear toy aside. "Now, where-"

"Invader progress reports are to be made every six weeks **only**, Zim" Tallest Purple reminded him. "We've told you this a thousand-"

"Unfortunately I have little progress to report this- OH **SPUTCH**!"

He dashed off screen, but in the opposite direction. The tallest and their Massive crew watched intently as debris and flames from an off camera explosion engulfed the screen. "I TOLD YOU TO STAY PUT!" They heard Zim shout.

Zim returned, nearly collapsing on the consol of his computer. "My- my Tallest," He began once again, panting. "I have a situation and I humbly request your assistance."

The Tallest exchanged glances. They shrugged, turned to the screen and Tallest Red said "Fine…make this quick. What's wrong?"

Zim froze. How could he explain this? "Well..."

The sound of a motor running cut him off. Zim rushed off-screen once again. Down the hall he spotted Gir on one of the worktables, jumping to reach a jagged circular saw that had been activated.

"NO!" Zim cried, pulling him to safety.

"Aw...I wanted to ride the shiny wheel..."

"Come with me." Zim ordered, stomping his way back onscreen. "This is the problem, my Tallest." He held Gir up. Gir waved to the screen, smiling.

The Tallest and their crew gasped. "What are you doing with a smeet?" Tallest Purple snapped.

"This isn't a smeet! Or it wasn't a few hours ago. It- He's Gir."

"Who's Gir?" Tallest Purple whispered into Tallest Red's antennae.

"That SIIR unit we dumped on him." He answered. "How did this happen?"

"I- uh..." Zim struggled to think of an explanation. "We infiltrated a human military bases in the uh- New Dooxico desert for- for research on the planet's current defense systems." He began, stumbling on his own fib. "After breeching the lower levels we came across a super weapon firing range of some kind. I left Gir to collect data while I sabotaged their equipment. He must have gotten caught in the crossfire because when I came back he looked like this."

The other Irkens stared at him. "So...whatever the ray was that hit him-"

"Completely altered his mechanical form into a living organism." Zim finished for Tallest Red.

"So what do you want us to do about it?"

Zim's antennae drooped. "I don't know what to do with him-"

"I'm hungry."

"I haven't mastered the mechanics of this secret human technology well enough to change him back."

"I want a Strawberry Slurples!"

"And I'm afraid to keep him here while I figure it out. An invasion is no place for an untrained smeet. He could easily be killed in his present state."

"CAT PIES!"

"What should I do?"

"Uh..."

"Um..."

The Tallest struggled to think. They weren't prepared to handle a situation quite like this. Usually Zim only called to babble on about some futilely insane plan he intended to destroy the human race with.

"Give us a minute, Zim. We'll be right back." Tallest Red motioned for one of the guards to put the transmission on hold. Bouncy elevator music began to play on Zim's computer screen accompanied by a cartoon of a strange chubby pink blob-like alien playing tug-of-war with another purple blob-like alien.

"Could you make any sense of that?" Tallest Purple asked.

"I stopped trying with Zim a long time ago." Tallest Red rubbed his temples. "It doesn't matter. This is his problem, not ours."

"We have to get that smeet away from him." Tallest Purple urged. "He's dead meat on that giant dirt clot!"

"Oh come on! Don't be such a bleeding spooch. Gir is probably ten times more useless an Irken than he was a SIIR unit- not to mention completely insane."

"We should train him in the underground birthing facilities with all the other smeets. At least there we could monitor him and have our scientist master the technology that did this to him."

"Why waste the time and recourses? He's destined to be a defective. We'll just wind up executing him when he's older. Besides, Earth's not on our conquest list, remember? I say leave the little freak with Zim. Let the nut cases enjoy each other's company before they kill themselves."

"You've got a point." Tallest Purple leaned back in his chair and shoveled a fist full of milk duds in his mouth. He gave up on protesting any further to his partner's decision, as he often did when snacks were available to occupy his thoughts.

Tallest Red grinned triumphantly. "Okay, put Zim back on."

Zim returned on screen, struggling to pin Gir to the floor. "Oh!" He stood, embarrassed. Gir took the opportunity to escape and climb the walls. "H-have you reached a decision, my Tallest?"

"Zim, you're a capable solder. We fully trust that you can handle a tiny smeet, at least until you can get him back to normal again." Tallest Red answered.

"Let us know if you run into anymore problems." Tallest Purple added before the transmission ended.

"Yes, my Tallest..." Zim's antennae drooped. His dread-filled, unblinking eyes locked onto the screen. "Well Gir, it looks like you and I have to-"

Zim turned around to discover Gir was swinging from one pulled wire to the next. He climbed closer towards the ceiling among the flying sparks of electricity. Giggling, he inched his pointer finger towards a giant, unprotected outlet.

"No no no no no no NO!" Zim used his spider legs to jump to Gir's rescue. He managed to set Gir on the ground unharmed, only to be electrocuted himself.

Gir waved the puffs of smoke coming off Zim's burnt flesh from his face. "Woo! You smell like sausage!"

Zim's eye twitched. "Computer, confine him!" He ordered.

A barred cage sprung up from the floor, entrapping Gir. Zim inspected the cage. "That should hold you. You don't have robotic strength or an updated pak."

Gir pouted. "What about my Strawberry Slurples?"

A robot arm reached out from the wall and handed Gir an enormous pink cup. Gir cheered with excitement before sucking on the straw.

Zim sighed. "That's it. Upstairs with you..."

Zim set Gir's cage in front of the TV. He watched cartoons quietly, sucking on his drink. Once his Slurples ran dry, he used the cup to clang against the metal bars. Zim watched him from the couch.

"This isn't so bad." He assured himself. "I mean, at least he's easier to control this way. Maybe he would make a good minion after all. I remember my training. I could-"

The doorbell rang. Zim took the two seconds to throw his disguise on before answering the door.

"DIB!" He hissed at the sight of his enemy. "How did you make it past my gnome field?"

"I just snuck around the back yard and- That's not important! I know where we can find the way to reverse the mask's effects! But you have to lend me access to your computer-"

"Hold it!" Zim interrupted. "What ever happened to destroying me with it once and for all?"

Dib grimaced. "It's a cursed object- destined to backfire on anyone who wields it." He sighed. "I admit defeat, okay? Now let me in!"

Zim laughed maniacally at Dib's failure. "What a pathetic worm-monkey you are! Wait- monkeys have tails, don't they?" He chuckled. "My mistake. You're a pathetic worm-_ape_!"

"DO YOU WANT YOUR ROBOT BACK OR NOT?"

Zim shrugged. "I did at first-" He stepped aside, allowing Dib to look into his living room and see Gir behaving in his cage. "But I kind of like him better this way. Apprentice…minion- it makes no difference to me."

"Apprentice! You green bastard! I-"

Dib was cut off by a blood curdling shriek of terror. He and Zim turned their heads to find RoboGaz clobbering Keef two blocks down.

RoboGaz held Keef up by the throat, inspecting his bio signature.

"Oh please! Oh please! Oh please-" The boy whimpered, tearing.

"_Wrong Target_" Her teleprompter read. "_Eliminate Decoy_"

With that, she tossed Keef in the air. He flew over the neighborhood, screaming, until he collided face first with the skool flagpole.

Zim chuckled. Dib turned white. "Holy shit!"

RoboGaz heard his cry. She looked about until her sensors logged onto him. She charged up the street at him, firing at will.

Zim grinned at the young human. "Play nice with your sister Dib!" He sneered as he tried to slam the door.

"NO!" Dib forced his way inside before Zim could shut him out.

"How dare you put my _superior_ base in jeopardy to save your _inferior_ skin!" He shouted, wrestling Dib towards the door.

"Wait!" Dib begged, trying to elbow Zim in the torso. "You have to let me find the reversal spell! Gaz will destroy your base if you don't!"

"Not if I throw you to her first!"

"But if she destroys me, you won't get to!"

Zim tightened his grip on Dib's arm. Noises of queasiness and pain escaped his throat as struggled to make a decision. He could hear the frightening sounds of a struggle between RoboGaz and his gnomes.

Finally he dropped Dib to the floor. "You may use my equipment, you filthy human, but you're at my mercy. Remember that…"


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7: Solutions

Dib stared at the scrolling text on Zim's giant computer screen with intense focus. He couldn't help but feel privileged being surrounded by all this alien technology, despite the fact that Zim had planted a stinging, itchy chip on his neck that would shock him if he tried anything funny in the lab...and his sister had been transformed into a robot bent on killing him.

Okay, the circumstances around the situation sucked, but at least it was some sort of paranormal investigation.

A circular platform broke away from the ceiling, lowering Zim and Gir, who rode on Zim piggyback, onto the floor. "I set the upper defense system on an auto repair loop. The gnomes Gaz destroys will be replaced by new ones made from the salvaged parts." Zim informed him as he stepped off the platform. "They should hold your sister off, but not for long."

Explosions and triggered car alarms from up above shook the lab.

"GO GNOME BUGGIES!" Gir cheered.

Zim's antennae twitched. "This is bringing unwanted attention to my base!" He pointed an incriminating finger at Dib. "You'll pay for this, human!"

"It's okay" He assured Zim, snickering at the alien's plight inwardly. "I figured everything out! Gaz isn't a robot after all-"

"Then what exactly is destroying my base?" He hissed.

"A _golem_! The mask of Haulgehn-Gylth is actually a golem generator!"

Zim raised a brow. "Eh?"

"A golem, you know- a sentient being made from raw material. In this case, the mask manipulates the minerals in living flesh and visa versa, making Gaz a steel golem and Gir a flesh golem."

"_How_?"

"Magic."

"YOU LIE!" Zim slammed his fist on the consol. "I don't have time for your backwards human nonsense, Dib! Tell me how to turn everything back to normal or I'll strap you to a table and rip your chest cavity in two!"

"You do that! And while you're at it, set up a velvet rope for the neighbors because once Gaz destroys your gnome army and levels your base EVERYONE will be able to look in and watch you dissect me!"

Their eyes locked onto tone another's. They balled their fist, ready to fight, but Gir cut in before a punch was thrown.

"Master, I farted..." He giggled.

Zim grimaced as he pulled Gir off his back and set him on the floor. "Did you find out anything _useful_, or what?"

"I did." Dib smirked. "It says here any creature or object altered by the mask can be returned to its original form if it hears a series of specific vocal tones while standing in the direct gaze the mask."

"So... we have to play them a song?" Zim shrugged. "Sounds pretty simple, I guess. Which song?"

Dib frowned. "It...doesn't say."

"How are we supposed to change them back if we don't know what song to play?" Zim cried.

"I don't know!" Dib struggled to think. "Our best bet is to play a bunch of songs until we find one that works."

"That'll take **forever**!"

"No shit! But it's the best chance we got!"

Zim buried his head on the console and sighed. "Computer, search our data bases for all known information on human music."

"Music?"

"Don't question your master, just do it!"

"Okay, fine...Downloading...DOWNLOADING!"

After the information had been gathered, Zim lured Gir into a hexagonal room with a bag of cookies and a liter of Poop Cola. He threw the snacks through the entrance. Once Gir dived after it, he locked the little smeet inside.

After shoving a cookie in his mouth, Gir looked up to inspect the room. The plain red walls were made of glass. Large speakers were hung at every corner. Dib tiptoed inside long enough to carefully drape the mask on a loose screw (just low enough so it wasn't facing any speakers directly). He covered his eyes before removing his jacket and stepping out of the room.

He met Zim in what seemed like a closet where Gir could be seen pacing around in the glass enclosure through a one-way mirror. Dib scolded himself inwardly. He felt like a bully. "Does this seem a little cruel?" He asked while slipping his beloved trench coat back on.

"Yeah, on us." Zim sneered. He adjusted a series of dials on the wall. Static feedback crackled from the speakers.

Gir held his head in pain.

"Sorry about that!" Zim apologized into an intercom. "This is very important, Gir. I need you to assist master with something. Stay in there and listen to the music we play over the sound system. The human and I will observe you from in here, got it?"

Gir gasped with excitement. "You two wanna watch me dance?"

"Uh- sure." Dib answered. "Dance your little heart out."

Flattered, Gir saluted with his tongue hanging out the side of his mouth.

Zim growled under his breath, dreading the torture he was sure to endure. "Okay...track one."

He pressed 'play' and the computer selected a song at random. 'My Humps' blared from the speakers. Gir squealed and began to jig. Zim groaned in agony while Dib slammed his head against a chair mumbling. "Please don't let it be this song! Please don't let it be this song! Please God, anything, but this song!"

Zim swallowed a mouth full of vomit. "What is _wrong_ with you humans?" He gagged.

"Hey, I don't listen to this _**crap**_!" He looked through the window. Gir was skipping about, making armpit noises to the chorus. "He's still Irken, Zim. I'm gonna switch to another track before my brain shrivels up!"

Dib reached for the controls, but Zim snatched his hand. "Oh no you don't! If I have to suffer through this you do too!"

"It's the wrong song! Let me play another one!"

"BITE ME!"

They engaged in a shoving match. Dib tried to kick Zim's knees in and pin him against the wall. Zim pulled on Dib's ears in retaliation. A loud boom followed by the shriek of a siren startled them.

"What the hell was that?"

Zim threw Dib aside. "There goes the first sweep." He announced irritably. "She's not backing down." Zim reached for his pack and tapped the largest pink plate. "The sniper cannons have been activated. That will distract her while the gnomes regenerate."

"Great" Dib sneered as he adjusted his glasses. "Can I play the next song now?"

Zim scowled. "Go ahead..."

a/n: God I hate that song... Die Black Eyed Peas, DIE! _Caugh_... Finally an update! A wee bit boring, but I promise, the next chapter will be better. Thanks for reading everyone. The feedback for this fic has been great so far. Please keep reviewing. Later guys, rock on.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8: Doomer Deceiver

A/n: I should have mentioned this earlier, but it slipped my mind. I am a raging, diehard metal head with a deep-rooted hatred for pop music, whiney pseudo-punk shit and overrated, unworthy to be classified as metal (_**coughs**_ Slipknot), metal bands. If you are not a diehard metal head, or a rocker to some minuscule degree, chances are, these next couple of chapters might offend you. Now that I have pissed off half my readers, I will slink away and let those who wish to resume reading, resume...

_"I turn my hopes up to the sky_

_I'd like to know before I die_

_Memories will slowly fade_

_I lift my eyes and say_

_Come on take me aw-"_

Zim skipped to the next song once he noticed Dib was actually enjoying the music.

"Hey!" Dib scolded the Irken. "I love that song!"

"It's not the one we're looking for." Zim retorted. "This isn't fun and games, you stupid ape- boy! My gnomes can't hold out much longer!"

_"I woke up it was seven_

_I waited 'till eleven_

_Just to figure out that no one would call-"_

Dib pouted. "You have no taste." He slouched in his chair, disappointed when the beginning riff to "I'm Just a Kid" started playing. He groaned in agony. "God dammit, I'm forced to listen to this crap enough at skool!"

"Quit whining" Zim sneered. He looked up to discover Gir was no longer dancing. "Gir! Master did not say 'stop'!"

The smeet panted heavily, unable to even shuffle along to the music any longer. "Woo! I'm thirsty!" He announced breathlessly, wiping the sweat from his forehead.

"Don't you go anywhere!" Zim shouted into the intercom. "You have to keep listening!"

"I'm just getting a drink!" Gir held up the bottle of Poop Cola Zim had lured him into the room with. He twisted off the cap and chugged greedily.

Dib winced. "Jeez, you'd think he'd get a stomach ache after all the junk we gave him."

Zim shrugged. "Gir's a bottomless pit no matter what form he takes, I guess."

Once he realized no changes in Gir's body had taken place, Dib switched to the next song. Gir swallowed the last drop of cola, belched, and then tossed the bottle aside. With a sugar rush in full swing, Gir began to sway his hips to the beat of the tune.

_"It's just a jump to the left_

_And then a step to the right_

_With your hands on your hips_

_You bring your knees in tight_

_But it's the pelvic thrust_

_That really drives you insane_

_Let's do the Time Warp again!-"_

Zim stared in horror as Gir followed the dance steps perfectly. Dib laughed, nearly falling out of his chair.

"What is he doing?" Zim asked, squinting at the glass in confusion.

"It's from the Rocky Horror Picture Show." Dib explained, however, Zim didn't look any less confused. "Aw, come on. That's a cult classic!"

A loud boom shook the base, knocking Dib and Zim out of their seats. _"Warning- Security Breach!"_ The computer announced. _"The attacking mech has wiped out all gnome droids beyond repair." _

Zim shakily climbed to his feet. He looked into a scope protruding from the wall. "AHH!" He gasped at the horrible sight of the destruction above ground, startling Dib.

"What? What's going on up there?"

"I'll give you a hint. It involves a drill and estrogen enriched fury!" Zim shoved the scope away from his face. "Computer; activate an emergency force field around the foundation!" He commanded, pointing dramatically towards the ceiling.

_"ACTIVATING! __**GRRRUUUUHHH**__!"_

A power serge caused the lights to flicker, indicating the shield was in place. Dib raised a brow. "Why don't you just use force fields to keep me away?"

Zim snorted, amused. "I wouldn't waste the energy on you."

"Fuck you!"

"Fook you too!"

"No _fuck_ you, Zim! It's '_fuck_ you!' Man, you've been on earth for how long, and you still know next to nothing about humans!"

Zim crossed his arms over his chest. "I know humans are smelly." He mumbled.

"What?"

"Silence!" Zim pounded his finger against the controls. "Let's try another one-"

"WAIT!" Gir cried, waving his arms. "My tummy hurts!"

"Eh?" Zim turned the sound system off, scowling daggers at the smeet. "Quit stalling, Gir! We have to keep-"

"But my tummy hurts!" He repeated, clutching his torso. He whimpered pitifully, drooping his antennae. "It really _really_ hurts!"

Zim slapped his forehead. "Aw drooch, his waste container must be full! CURSE YOU, NASTY EARTH DRINKS!"

"MASTER!" Gir cried crocodile tears, trembling. "MAKE IT STOP!"

Zim leaned forward towards the intercom. "Listen, you have to empty your waste. Reach for your pak, tap the lower right plate, disconnect the miner energy chargers, then deactivate-"

"I'M GONNA S'PLODE!" Gir screeched, jumping up and down.

"Is there a quicker way for him to do this?" Asked Dib.

"Well... he could dispose of his business manually, but that's much messier-"

Gir's cheeks turned blue. "I CAN'T HOLD IT!" He cried before dropping his pants.

"Eeeuuuuh!" They turned their heads away from the window, shielding their eyes.

"Ahhhh..." Gir sighed with relief as he released his Irken bodily waste all over the floor.

"No no no no no- Awww...!" Zim grimaced at the huge puddle forming.

Gir smiled as he pulled up his pants. "All better!"

Zim growled, digging his fingers into the arm of the chair. He noticed Dib snickering out of the corner of his eye. "What's so funny?" He barked.

Dib forced back his laughter. "With the way you talk, you made it seem like your species is above and beyond pissing."

"Wipe that grin off your face, stink-beast." Zim hissed, forcefully handing Dib a roll of paper towels. "Get in their and clean up!"

"You do it! He's _your_ 'minion'!"

"But this whole situation is _your_ fault for using that mask on him!"

"I wouldn't have had to use the mask if _you_ never came to my planet and tried to invade it!"

"Yeah, well-" Zim kicked a lever on the floor, causing the window to open. He quickly pushed Dib into the room and locked the window shut behind him.

"Hey!" Dib scowled at Zim as the alien made funny faces through the glass, scoffing.

"You might as well get used to this sort of labor, Dib." Zim said over the intercom. "It's all your kind will be good for after we take over."

Dib flipped him off before kneeling down to swab up Gir's piss (making sure his eyes never glanced up at the mask). "Aw man, this is so gross..." He griped, holding in the urge to gag. "It's **everywhere** like- like silly ooze! I-I can't tell if it's orange or green!"

"Its _gorange_!" Gir giggled. "Smelly too!"

"Yeah, no kidding."

After Dib successfully cleaned the floor and disposed of the used paper towels, Zim allowed him to return to the observation area. He chuckled as the pouting human returned to his seat.

"Good work, piss drone."

"Shut up and play another song!" Dib snapped.

"Very well." Zim ended his laughter with a deep breath. "But this next one better cure him, or I'm calling it quits and throwing you back outside."

Dib turned pale as Zim pressed play. He crossed his fingers as a slow, melodic electric guitar riff graced the air. Gir's spastic monkey dancing ceased as the vocals struck his antennae. He stood stone still, entranced by the music and the ever-alert gaze of the mask.

_"Standing by window... breathing summer breeze_

_Saw a figure floating 'neath the willow tree..._

The stone embedded on the mask's face turned over, revealing a second red surface. The stone radiated a red beam that engulfed Gir entirely. The smeet stared at the mask with unblinking eyes, allowing his body to absorb the light.

_Asked us if we were happy...we said we didn't know..._

_Took us by the hand and off we go..."_

"I think this is it!" Zim cried! "The volume, human! Turn up the volume!"

Breathing a sigh of relief, Dib complied.

a/n: Have they found the key to turning Gir and Gaz back to normal or is the solution a little more complicated than first anticipated? Find out in chapter nine. The first song mentioned is 'Take me Away' by Blue Oyster Cult, the second one is 'I'm Just a Kid' by Simple Plan (**bleh**) and the last song is 'Dreamer Deceiver' by Judas Priest. Thanks for reading and thank you to those who reviewed. They're very much appreciated. Hope you will continue to send comments. Rock on, guys.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9: Interference

a/n: No, I haven't dropped off the face of the earth. I just haven't had the time to finish this fic. Sorry about that. I feel like such a jackass because this was the last chapter. Oh well. Please read on.

"Yes...YES!" Zim cried as Gir slowly returned to his normal self.

_"We followed the dreamer through the purple hazy clouds_

_He could control our sense of-f-f-f t-t-t-t-"_

The track began to skip. Soon it was overpowered by static. The energy of the mask's glow began to fade. The few parts of Gir that had become steel immediately returned to flesh. The smeet blinked, shaking his head violently.

"NO! **NOOOO**!" Zim cried, tossing his chair against the glass. "DROOCH IT! Son of a Vortian whore! DROOCH IT!"

Dib stared in wide-eyed disappointment. "But- but- it was working!"

"The mask!" Zim pointed an accusing finger. "It interfered with the song some how!"

"Maybe song interfered with the mask." Dib suggested. "The spell can only be reversed with a series of vocal tones. But Gir wasn't listening to a real voice, just a recording. Maybe it'll work if you sing to him."

"Me? Why can't you do it?"

"Trust me, I can't carry a tune in a bucket. You have to sing."

"Invaders **don't** sing!" Zim spat. "What makes you think I could do any better?"

Dib shrugged. "I don't know. You're loud."

"I don't feel so good!"

Zim and Dib turned their heads to find Gir wobbling on his feet. The smeet fell to knees and vomited on the floor. Zim groaned, aggravated. "That's it! This entire area is being sterilized!"

Dib looked to the ceiling. "Computer, can you set up a karaoke machine or something for us?"

"_Well_..."

"How **dare** you give orders to **my** computer!" Zim snatched Dib by the throat. His throttling was cut short by a ground shaking **boom** from up above. He and Dib stumbled on the vibrations. Several pieces of equipment fell to the floor, busted.

"Have it ready in the living room!" Zim ordered the computer before racing into the sound room.

Dib charged in behind him to grab the mask while Zim scooped Gir up in his arms. They made a mad dash to the nearest elevator. The motion of Zim running caused Gir to vomit once again.

Dib jumped inside the elevator just before the door closed. He was forced to contort his body just to fit. "What are you doing?" He finally got a chance to ask. "Let her come to us! It's safer!"

"Not for my base, it's not!" Zim retorted. "Relax, worm-human. I know what I'm doing."

Once aboveground, they crawled out from the kitchen toilette. Zim threw Gir on the couch. "Sit still, Gir! Watch the Dib!"

Gir gave him a thumbs up. "Okie Doakie!"

"You! Hold up the mask- Not at me, you idiot!"

"Sorry!" Dib fumbled the mask before holding it at Gir's eye level. He turned his head and clenched his eyes shut, inwardly praying for a miracle.

Zim stood in front of the television screen and cleared his throat. "Computer, display the lyrics!"

_"Yes master!"_

Zim sighed as the lyrics flashed on the screen in Irken characters. He took a deep breath and began to sing.

_"Standing by my window, breathing summer breeze_

_Saw a figure floating, neath the willow trees-"_

"You're too high!" Dib shouted.

Zim cringed as he continued, making a conscious effort not to crack his voice. _"Asked us if we were happy, we said we didn't know_

_Took us by the hand and off we go_

_We followed the dreamer through the purple hazy clouds_

_He could control our sense of time_

_We thought we were lost, but no matter how we tried_

_Everyone was in peace of mind..."_

Once again a red beam engulfed Gir. His Irken features slowly reverted to their simplified robotic form. First, his antennae welded into one. Then his eyes turned to glass. Dib could feel the mask vibrating as its spell lost its hold on the robot. "It's working!" He shouted. "Keep singing!"

_"We felt the sensation drift inside our fames_

_Finding complete contentment there-"_

_**"DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIB!"**_ Gaz cried bloody murder. Sirens went off as she began to penetrate the force field. The lights went out, the living room shook and cracks began to form in the walls. Zim did his best to stay calm and keep singing.

_"And all the tensions that hurt us in the past_

_Just seemed to vanish in thin air-"_

Suddenly, the monkey painting revealed an image of the tallest and their Massive crew. "Zim!" Tallest Purple addressed him urgently. "On second thought, the empire might have some use for that steel to flesh conversion technology. If you could- What the-?"

The tallest and their pilots stared in confusion at the scene taking place in Zim's living room. Zim pitched his voice an octave higher, a feat worthy of praise from Halford himself.

_**"He said in the cosmos is a single sonic sound**_

_**That is vibrating constantly!**_

_**And if we could grip and hold to the note**_

_**We would see our minds are free!"**_

The pilots aboard the Massive cheered Zim on, holding up laser lighters above their heads. They had never been treated to a singing act before. Even Tallest Purple threw a metal salute (which was just a wave really, considering the number of fingers chopped off his royal hands). After receiving a warning glare from Tallest Red, they settled down.

_**"...Oh they're free!"**_

Dib nearly dropped the mask when he heard the deafening sound of RoboGaz crashing into the living room.

_"Target in range!"_ She declared as she held up her teleprompter hand. It transformed into a nasty looking death ray. _"Lasers charging! Will detonate in five four three"_

_**"We are lost above-"**_

_"Two one-" _The mask's energy engulfed her as well, luckily for Dib, before the blast triggered.

_**"Floating way up high-"**_

Hypnotized by the glow, Gaz lowered her weapons. Her body slowly took shape of her normal spooky girl self. By this point Gir was full robot, passed out on the couch. His pack, now the opossum again, scurried off.

_**"If you think you can find a way**_

_**You can surely try...!" **_Zim panted heavily, relieved that the song was over. He turned around to discover the entire front wall to the house had been blasted through. Standing in the middle of the debris was a battered Gaz, swaying unsteadily.

She groaned, holding her head. "Wha-? What happened?"

Dib dropped the mask face down and ran to her side. "Holy shit, Gaz! You're back to normal! Oh, thank God!" He laughed. "Man, you were this close to killing m-"

Gaz grabbed him by the throat. She glared at him with white-hot intensity, gritting her teeth. "I don't know what this is about, but I know **you** had something to do with it! You just lost your limb privileges, you freak bastard!"

Dib screamed in terror as Gaz dragged him off. He attempted to claw his way to freedom, but that only mad Gaz madder.

Zim waved to him, laughing inwardly as Gaz kicked Dib in the nuts. "Good luck, Dib!" He sneered. "Don't flash anything red in front of her!"

"YOU **SUCK**, ZIM!"

Zim chuckled to himself and dusted off his gloves as he turned around. "Eek!" He squeaked once he realized the entire Massive crew was staring at him.

"Invader Zim ROCKS!" A red-eyed pilot cheered, still waving his lighter.

Zim took a bow. "Thank you. Thank-"

Tallest Red tossed a can of soda at the pilot's head. Zim's antennae drooped. "Uh- uh...Let me explain-"

Tallest Red motioned for silence. "Don't bother." He said with a sigh. "I trust your smeet crisis is all taken care of?"

"Yes, my tallest."

"Good." He motioned for a pilot to cut off the transmission. The screen turned to static before being covered by the monkey painting once again.

"Victory for Zim!" The Irken cheered triumphantly to the sky. "Computer, cloak the damage with a hologram until I can make the repairs."

He waltzed over to the couch and shook the snoring robot gently. "Gir..." He whispered. "**GIR**!"

The robot sprung upright. "Hu? Oh! Good morning!"

"Welcome back." Zim said, giving Gir a pat on the shoulder. "Now, stick that mask in a garbage bag!"

"Yes my master!" Gir's eyes glowed red as he gave him a salute. He flew into the kitchen and returned a second later with a plastic bag. He scooped the mask up and tied the bag shut. "All done!"

"Good, now follow me downstairs so we can throw it in the heater. I want it melted immediately before it can cause any more damage."

"Woo! Melting!" Gir jumped on Zim's head piggyback style."

Zim jumped. He forgot how cold Gir's metal casing is, but at least he couldn't piss on him. "I'm glad that's over." Zim began as he climbed into the kitchen toilette. "But I have this weird feeling that I forgot something." He shrugged. "Oh well. It must not have been important."

Gir gasped. "My Tostitos ain't burning are they?"

Meanwhile, an ambulance drove by at full speed as Gaz kicked Dib's ass up the sidewalk.

Inside, Keef's eyes fluttered open. He groaned as tried to sit upright, but a paramedic held him against the stretcher. "Stay still, son. You took a nasty header into a flagpole. Don't worry. The hospital is just around the-"

"_**MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**_!"

The paramedics gasped. They slammed into the side of the ambulance as the driver swerved off-road.

"AHHH-OMPH!" Keef flew into the back doors, bashing his head once again.

"What the fuck's going on?" A female paramedic cried, struggling to place Keef back on the stretcher.

A sizzling sound could be heard on the roof. The paramedics looked up to find a hole was being formed on the roof by a green substance reeking of curdled milk. They screamed, shocked as a metal cow poked its head through, and began to shoot up the ambulance's interior.

The rest of the robocow stampede rammed the vehicle off a cliff.

END! (with a fiery explosion)

Yes, this is the ending. Thank you so much for reviewing. I know how incredibly LAME this whole storyline was, but at least I finished a Zim fic for once, so I'm happy. Just in case anyone is wondering, I chose the song Dreamer Deceiver because I thought Rob Halford's vocals are probably closest to Zim's actual singing voice. That, and the idea of Zim singing is just funny to me.

So depending on the reviews I get, I might try to write a more serious Invader Zim fic. Then again, with the way work and school is going...Either way, please review. Thanks to everyone read this. You're awesome. Remember, live fast, take chances, rock hard!


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